Relax: You’re Probably on the Right Path
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I heard the gentlest whisper out of my right ear. “Maybe the practitioner would like to relax a little?” Oh no, I thought, embarrassed, is it that obvious? Sensing into my body for a brief moment I realized, shit, yes, it’s definitely obvious.
First of all, I was seriously sweating. Salty wet streaks moved down my spine- my spine was at attention, a warring soldier. My butt bones rested right on the edge of the hard chair and my legs were rigid, like they had to wrestle to pin down an angry part of myself that I swore was going to get it “wrong.” You stay put, I might have said, I’ve gotta get this right. But my eyes really gave me away. It’s possible I didn’t blink for a creepy amount of time as I stared into the traumatized soul of the “client” I was practicing on.
Can you sense the high stakes? Can you sense that the high stakes were solely created by ME? No war here.
Wait- traumatized soul? What was I doing?
It was my very first practice session in my Somatic Experiencing Practitioner trauma training and this one whisper of a nudge set the foundation for potentially the MOST transformative learning I took away from that program.
For the next two years, in every practice session, I consciously relaxed. Sitting back, letting my legs be, hands free, eyes soft, I went slow and asked questions. I left space and didn’t worry. The sessions went well.
But immediately following the completion of a practice session, I’d get all crazy-eyed again and would ask the teacher something like, “what should I have done?” or “instead of asking x question should I have asked y question?” They’d respond with something unsatisfying and maddening every time: “what you did was great. you could have done x but what you did worked well- look at the results, you got them there.” There being a regulated, settled, and more integrated place.
They might have been settled and integrated but inside me there was a screaming little mafia gremlin– There’s a right way to do this and they just won’t GIVE UP THE SAUCE. Someone give it to me straight.
I’d push back sometimes and the students around me – I now see- would look at me like it was all a bit much after a day of learning about things like …ritual abuse…
Relax, man.
I brought the same energy to my coaches, essentially always asking “what’s the thing I need to do/ say/ send/ be in order to help the person get to healing/ freedom/ the fullest expression of themselves.”
The Last Session
Over two years of watching practice sessions, doing practice sessions (and receiving the same feedback on repeat), watching my teachers do demo sessions, hearing my teachers say, “it’s a choice point and many choices work..” and asking lots of questions like “but what’s the right choice point”, I finally got it at our very last weekend together when my teacher casually said, “Many roads lead to Rome.”
Of course I had heard that sentiment for years- decades even- but I finally didn’t just cognitively understand, my whole body had witnessed it be true again…and again…and again….
People kept getting relief, getting free, getting agency- and in all different ways. It ALL “worked” so long as there was safety. There was actually no right way- they weren’t lying.
There’s been a deeper level of freedom for me since then– especially in how I work with my clients and how I work on myself– that’s where I was still most stuck on there being a “right” way. But the teaching deepened my freedom and agency in other areas of my life, too: my parenting, my food choices, my treatment choices…my whole life.
If you believed that many roads lead to Rome or maybe even ALL roads-as the saying goes- then what would you do/ how would you feel?
For me, the answer is obvious: I’d relax.
And in relaxation, magic happens, healing happens, LIFE happens.
Love,
Jackie
P.S: If this is something you’re struggling with right now, I have a resource I really like around choices that you can plaster to your desk- write to me using the contact page and I’ll send it over.